5/28/13 Toons+

Jamie

2013-05-28 08:19:52 UTC

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
 
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In Case You Missed It Dept.: 
In a recent speech, President Obama said that
Republicans are "still telling tall tales" about Obamacare. Not as tall as
that 20,000-page stack of Obamacare regulations. 
Democrat Congressman Charlie Rangel said that
President Obama needs to "give more of an answer" on the IRS scandal. Like
what? "I really, really didn't know"? 
David Axelrod said Obama couldn't have known about
all these scandals "because the government is so vast" Really? This
administration seems more half-vast to me. 
A senior adviser to Vladimir Putin has said the
Kremlin was "surprised" by the "extremely crude and clumsy" attempt of an
alleged CIA spy to recruit a Russian security services officer. Odd. You'd
think offering a solid gold "Reset" button would've worked. 
Turns out that, just last year, a group of seven
Senate Democrats sent a letter to the IRS urging them to investigate
conservative political groups. This from the crowd that abhors the notion of
profiling at airports. 
A belligerent North Korea launched three short-range
missiles into the waters off its eastern coast. No word on whether they were
actually targeting the Tea Party. 
 -- Fred Thompson 
The Beverly Hills Hotel has started serving High Tea
at four o'clock in the afternoon for Los Angeles society groups. It includes
a harpist and crumbcakes. The first three groups of ladies were carried off
in paddy wagons after the IRS got wind of the tea parties. 
President Obama called in the Marines Thursday to
hold an umbrella over his head during his Rose Garden press conference.
Let's face it. We just don't have the military capability to protect our
Middle East diplomats and the president's suits at the same time. 

President Obama was buffeted by scandals on Benghazi,
the Justice Department, and IRS targeting of opponents Friday. It's weird.
If we didn't know Barack Obama's father was black and his mother was white
we'd think his mother was black and his father was Nixon. 
President Obama held a news conference in the Rose
Garden Thursday. The scandals are starting to get to him. While denying
responsibility for last fall's disaster in Libya the president wagged his
finger and said he did not have sex with that woman Ben Gazzara. 
President Obama denied knowledge of the Inspector
General's report Thursday when asked if he knew the IRS was targeting
political enemies. It was immediately obvious to every person in the country
he'd sidestepped the question. There'll never be another Bill Clinton.
 
U.S. Senator John Cornyn revealed the IRS softball
team canceled their game with his Senate office's softball team amid
tensions over the IRS scrutinizing conservatives. The IRS should take the
softballs while they can get them. The questions only get tougher from here.
 
British Airways began allowing coach passengers to
participate in an online auction for upgrades to first class. Everybody
loves an upgrade. For four years Republicans compared Barack Obama to Jimmy
Carter and last week he got upgraded to Richard Nixon. 
New York's disgraced former Congressman Anthony
Weiner disclosed Thursday that he still hasn't decided whether or not he'll
run for Mayor of New York. His entry would make it a three-man race. Local
racetrack bookies suggest that you bet on Weiner to show. 
President Obama asked Congress Thursday for more
money to guard U.S. embassies from attack. It's not necessary. All we have
to do is register al-Qaeda as a conservative political action group and the
IRS will shut them down for their anti-U.S. government views. 
IRS official Sarah Ingraham, who was in charge of
targeting conservatives, was put in charge of doling out ObamaCare.
Hollywood noticed. Angelina Jolie is already estranged from her conservative
father Jon Voight so it won't bother her to rat on him to get her breast
surgery. 
IRS Commissioner Steven Miller stonewalled Congress
in testimony Friday. He stated he's an acting commissioner. That's someone
from Second City who knows how to act like the executive branch had no
knowledge the IRS was targeting conservative groups. 
President Obama met Burma's newly-elect president
Thein Sein at the White House Monday. Sein is overseeing Burma's conversion
from a police state with one-party rule and controlled press to an open
democracy. We're like two ships passing in the night. 
The Justice Department was found Monday to have been
tapping the cell phones and reading e-mails of Fox News reporters this past
year. It's damning. This proves that the White House knew the Benghazi
attack was an al-Qaeda operation the minute it happened. 
President Obama said Friday he had no idea the IRS
was targeting conservatives last year. He can say nothing else. Barack Obama
once starred in a student movie, and when the script called for him to admit
to doing something wrong, they had to get a stunt double. 
The CNN poll Monday said sixty percent of Americans
said they believe Obama when he says he didn't know the IRS was targeting
conservatives That's odd. It was the number-one topic in every foursome at
every golf club in America, how could he not know about it? 
President Obama's job approval ratings held steady
Monday in CNN's latest poll. The numbers split exactly along party lines.
Fifty-three percent of Americans approve of the job Obama is doing as
president while the other forty-seven percent are being audited. 
President Obama commented on the Oklahoma City
tornado damage on Tuesday. He obviously has a lot on his mind now. The
president said he's looking into it, he vowed that folks will be held
accountable and he declared that the American people expect better. 

IRS official Lois Lerner invoked her Fifth Amendment
rights and refused to testify to Congress about targeting conservatives. How
embarrassing. Lerner is so mortified over having to cite the U.S.
Constitution she ordered herself audited for being a right-wing group.
 
President Obama said Friday he never knew that the
IRS was targeting conservative groups last year. He said that he found out
about the IRS misconduct last week from watching TV. Nothing aggravates ESPN
viewers like real news coming across on the crawl. 
President Obama flies to Oklahoma City Sunday to tour
the tornado damage and talk with local survivors. It'll really help. There
are three tornadoes heading for the White House from Capitol Hill next week
and Obama wants to find out which room he'll be safest in. 
President Obama said he didn't hear about the IRS
scandal until it came on the news Friday. He said he didn't hear about the
Justice Department scandal, and he didn't hear about the Benghazi cover-up.
Every seventeen years, those cicadas drown out everything. 
Anthony Weiner and his wife Huma announced he'll run
for mayor of New York this fall. He resigned from Congress after he got
caught sending lewd texts to women he'd met online. His wife spent the last
four years studying under Hillary Clinton at Camp Lookaway. 
Anthony Weiner announced in a two-minute video
Wednesday he will run for mayor of New York. It's odd that political pundits
consider him a liberal. Anthony Weiner is the only Democrat with documented
proof he's committed to growth in the private sector. 
President Obama gave a lengthy speech to the National
Defense University Thursday outlining his decision to reduce the pilotless
attacks on U.S. enemies. You can't make it up. President Obama spent an hour
and fifteen minutes promising he's going to drone less. 
President Obama said Thursday he rejected the idea
the U.S. is in a global war against terrorism. He's ruined a fun drinking
game. TV viewers who drink a shot of whisky every time a presdent says
radical Islamic jihad have four years and four months of sobriety now.
 
Congress heard testimony on the IRS, the Justice
Deparment and Benghazi last week from whistle-blowers. It was relentless.
The last time President Obama heard this many whistle-blowers he was taking
five steps to the basket in an attempt to make a free throw. 
President Obama said he didn't know the IRS targeted
Tea Partiers and he didn't know the Justice Daprtment spied on AP reporters,
and he didn't know at first Benghazi was a terrorist attack. It's a smart
strategy. By telling us he doesn't know anything, he's trying to convince us
that Joe Biden is already president and we can skip the impeachment. 

 -- Argus Hamilton 
These White House scandals are not going away any
time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in
Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American. 
Michelle Obama gave a commencement speech at a high
school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, "I could take up
a whole afternoon talking about his failures." And today she was offered her
own show on Fox News. 
President Obama gave the commencement address at
Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told
the young graduates their future is bright — unless, of course, they want
jobs. 
The White House admitted President Obama's chief of
staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups.
President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals
was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences.
It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on.
 
White House officials insist that President Obama
knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news
last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would
have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not
knowing anything about Benghazi. 
Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running
for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after
midnight — and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so
well for Mr. Weiner. 
Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at
his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was.
Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't
illegally obtain it through the Justice Department. 
It is not looking good for President Obama. Today,
his teleprompter took the Fifth. In fact, the White House has changed its
slogan from "Yes, we can" to "No, I can't remember." 
The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is
raising questions about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it
called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a
service? 
A Democratic congressman said that he worries that
the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might
be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of
this. 
 -- Leno 
President Obama's had a rough couple of weeks with
the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal.
And now he has to replace all four "American Idol" judges. 
I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi
scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is
in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again.
 
Everything's going bad for President Obama with
Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around.
He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey. 

And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in
Dennis Rodman. 
 – Letterman 
During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said
there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point
the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.
 
These scandals at the White House are just getting
worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the
scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was
like, "Anything else you guys aren't telling me?" And Joe Biden was like,
"Uh . . . I broke the copier." 
President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but
kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, "Guys, when I said 'No
spoilers,' I was just talking about 'Game of Thrones.'" 
Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented
immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned
they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves.
 
 – Jimmy Fallon 
President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately.
Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job
he's doing. The other 47 percent are being audited. 
A new report just came out. It says someone close to
the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other
words, we can rule out Joe Biden. 
A lot of people are criticizing President Obama,
including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon
and talk about Barack's failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News.
 
Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony
Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor
of New York. Nothing says "I put my sleazy past behind me" like showing a
video on the Internet at midnight. 
 – Conan 
----------------------------------------------

Exclusive Wiretaps Of Conversations Between 0bama and
His Caddy 
0bama: “Do you think I can get there with a 5
iron?” 
Caddy: “Eventually, sir.” 
0bama: “How do you like my game?” 
Caddy: “It’s very good sir – but personally, I
prefer golf.” 
0bama: “Do you think my game is improving?”
 
Caddy: “Yes sir ... you miss the ball much closer
now.” 
0bama: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
 
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off,
sir.” 
0bama: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the
world.” 
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir . . . that would be
too much of a coincidence.” 
0bama: “Please stop checking your watch all the
time. It’s too much of a distraction.” 
Caddy: “It’s not a watch sir – it’s a compass.”

0bama: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on
Sunday? 
Caddy: “Ohhh, this would be a sin on any day.”

0bama: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played
on.” 
Caddy: “But this isn’t the golf course ... We left
that an hour ago sir.” 
0bama: “Seriously, can you see any obvious
problems with my game?” 
Caddy: ”Well, there’s a piece of sh*t on the end
of your club.” 
(0bama starts wiping the face of his club with a
towel…) 
Caddy: “No sir, it’s at the other end”