9/19/16 Toons+

Jamie

2016-09-19 11:35:10 UTC

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In Case You Missed It Dept.: 
NBC News interviewed professional clowns at a clown
convention in Florida on Tuesday who worry about all the recent scary clown
sightings in Ohio, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. No one is able to get near
them. The clowns refuse to stop scaring people till one of them gets elected
president. 
NBC Today Show host Matt Lauer was denounced by
Democrats for going so easy on Donald Trump during the NBC's
Commander-in-Chief town hall that Lauer hosted Wednesday. He really got
steamrolled. Matt Lauer put up so little resistance that Bill Cosby just
phoned him to have a drink. 
Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson in an MSNBC
interview Friday was asked by a reporter what the U.S. should do about
Aleppo. In reply, he asked, what is Aleppo? Gary Johnson is the country's
foremost champion for legalizing marijuana and he just set the cause back a
hundred years. 
Gary Johnson laughed about his geography screw-up
Thursday saying he thought Aleppo was an acronym when the reporter asked him
what he thought about Aleppo. It could have been worse. When Sarah Palin was
asked the same question, she replied that Aleppo is her favorite Marx
Brother. 
Hillary Clinton vowed to pass a Pathway to
Citizenship bill for illegal immigrants Friday while Trump was cozying up to
Putin. It's all politics. Hillary has to be nice to Hispanics or she'll lose
her votes out West and Donald Trump has to be nice to Putin or Putin will
cut off his supply of wives. 
Journal Parasitology named a parasitic flatworm
after Barack Obama as a compliment to the president. It's the first time a
parasite was named after a president. They waited to announce it until Rush
Limbaugh went off the air Friday to keep him from laughing so hard it gave
him a heart attack. 
Colin Kaepernick's refusal to stand for the
National Anthem was joined by other players this week. It's impossible for
NFL players to live outside today's issues. Rumor has it that Tom Brady
doesn't understand what the big deal is about Hillary Clinton destroying
cell-phones with a hammer. 
Hillary Clinton collapsed while waiting for a
Secret Service van to evacuate her from a World Trade Center attack
remembrance in New York Sunday. She's caught pneumonia. Hillary made the
mistake of slipping out into the general public on Friday and a Basket of
Deplorables breathed on her. 
Hillary Clinton's campaign admitted after a
nine-hour stall that she had pneumonia Sunday but would be fine after a rest
and antibiotics. Donald Trump was gracious. When Trump heard that Hillary
caught pneumonia he stopped by a gift shop and bought her a Get Well in Two
Months card. 
Hillary Clinton's campaign initially explained
she's overheated during a World Trade Center remembrance Sunday. She left
the event early. While waiting for the van to take her away, Hillary
collapsed and then fainted, which alarmed Democrats, concerned Republicans
and aroused Bill Cosby. 
Hillary Clinton's campaign staff was ripped Monday
for claiming she's healthy while she had walking pneumonia, on top of her
coughing fits, concussion, and blood clots. It's been like this for a
quarter century. Hillary Clinton can't even get old and sick without
requiring a Special Prosecutor. 
The New York Post interviewed TV executives Monday
who predicted that the first presidential debate between Trump and Hillary
could draw Super Bowl-size ratings. Debate negotiations are in the final
stages. Right now the candidates are fighting to make sure their gurneys are
the same height. 
Hillary Clinton spent Tuesday in bed at home taking
antibiotics for her pneumonia. Everyone pitched in to cheer her up. Bill
brought Hillary a bowl of chicken soup from her favorite deli, Barack sent
up a box of chocolates and Trump had a basket of deplorables delivered right
to her door. 
Politico ran photos of Hillary Clinton drinking
water to negate rumors she's not taking care of herself and staying hydrated
as she recovers from pneumonia. It's galling for her. Hillary's had a touchy
relationship with water ever since that young girl from Kansas used the
stuff to kill her sister. 
Hillary Clinton took antibiotics at home for her
pneumonia Tuesday after everyone witnessed the video of her passing out in
New York Sunday. She's dropped five points in the tracking polls. When
Hillary blamed the drop on the video, the House Benghazi Committee hauled
her back in to testify. 
Hillary Clinton's campaign conceded Monday they
should have divulged Hillary's pneumonia when they claimed for nine hours
Hillary just got overheated at the World Trade Center memorial event. Nobody
bought that story. We all know that Bill is the one who gets overheated and
bed-ridden. 
Donald Trump is scheduled to release his medical
records Thursday which were leaked earlier this week. It's a mixed bag. It
reads that Donald Trump's heart and his lung lungs are in great shape,
however his Narcissistic Personality Disorder cannot be treated, it can only
be voted into office. 
President Obama met with health care CEOs in
Washington Tuesday to urge them not to drop out of Obamacare coverage. It
doesn't look good. The White House asked Americans who like Obamacare to
send in their photo, and so far the only picture they've gotten is from
Anthony Weiner. 
TV Guide editors estimated Tuesday that the first
presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump could draw over
one hundred million TV viewers. The nation will be riveted by the format.
The first presidential debate will consist of a complete physical followed
by a colonoscopy. 
New York Assemblyman Bill Nojay won his Democratic
primary Tuesday even though he was under an FBI corruption probe and
committed suicide last week. This is far from over. Bill Nojay can still win
in November after Hillary Clinton's physician wrote a letter pronouncing him
fit to serve 
Hillary Clinton recovering in Chappaqua met with
her White House transition team. They are buying up Samsung Galaxy Note 7
smart phones. That way, after the next scandal and court order to hand over
her cell phone records, they can honestly claim she can't because the phones
exploded. 
Colin Powell ripped Hillary Clinton in hacked
e-mails Tuesday citing her mafia-like staff and her husband sleeping with
bimbos at home. He also called Donald Trump a national disgrace. Colin
Powell's political motto is, why run for president when you can start the
war and blame Bush? 
Donald Trump tried to lay aside any question about
his physical condition and personal health by appearing on the Dr. Oz Show
that taped on Wednesday. The show aired on Thursday. Millions of Democrats
tuned into the show see if Donald Trump would ask Dr. Oz for a heart, a
brain or courage. 
Hillary Clinton agreed Thursday to remove the
Clintons' name from the Clinton Health Care Initiative Foundation if
president. It wasn't her idea. The Clinton name will be removed from the
foundation at the request of Health, otherwise Health is threatening to sue
Hillary for false advertising. 
Donald Trump spoke at an African Methodist Church
in Flint Wednesday and vowed to clean the city's water supply. He also vowed
to bring jobs to the inner cities. Trump is trying to recover his street
cred after he stood for the National Anthem before the New York Jets opener
home Sunday. 
 -- Argus Hamilton 
Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made
about Trump supporters last week. So, if you're keeping track, Trump
supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable. 

Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to
everyone's surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she's sick and
even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started
asking Trump if he was feeling OK. 
I guess Trump really does want her to get better,
because today he sent her some flowers in a basket of deplorables. 

Donald Trump taped an appearance on "Dr. Oz" today
to discuss his health and his diet, and reportedly told Dr. Oz that he likes
fast food because, "At least you know what they're putting in it." Then
workers at Taco Bell and Arby's said, "You keep telling yourself that."
 
Donald Trump's childhood home in Queens is going up
for auction next month. Apparently, the house has five bedrooms, or as Trump
calls it, "20 walls." 
The upcoming movie about President Barack Obama's
college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes
and smoking weed. Or as the president calls him: 2017 Obama. 
We have Republican presidential nominee Donald
Trump on the show tonight, which means security is very tight. On their way
in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their
deplorables into a basket. 
Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue
of Women's Health magazine. While next month she'll be featured in "Bad
Timing" magazine. 
 -- Jimmy Fallon 
Donald Trump said this week that Vladimir Putin has
been a leader far more than our president has been a leader, and he's got a
point. I mean, if President Obama was as strong a leader as Vladimir Putin,
Donald Trump would be dead by now. That would be the difference. 
Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who will be
moderator for the final presidential debate of election season, said in an
interview this week that he doesn't feel it's his job to call out the
candidates when they lie. "Super!" said Hillary and Donald at the same time.
 
Hillary Clinton upset Republicans this weekend
after she accused half of Trump supporters of belonging to a basket of
deplorables, which is also Trump's usual order at KFC. "I will have the
12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy." 
Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial
service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, "Hey, if
anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka." 
Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia
diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn't think it was
going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure,
when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton? 
Hacked emails from former Secretary of State Colin
Powell show he recently referred to Donald Trump as "a national disgrace"
and "an international pariah." Trump was like, "Listen, I love Pariah. I
have all of her albums. So that's a compliment to me." 
 -- Seth Meyers 
Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary Clinton a
speedy recovery from her pneumonia. He said, "Get well soon, you shrill,
lying crook." 
Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary
Clinton is so sick that she's been using a body double. When Bill Clinton
heard about it, he said, "Man, I wish." 
A new poll shows that Donald Trump is now leading
in Nevada. Which actually makes sense, since 50 percent of Nevada voters are
also failed casino owners. 
In the leaked emails from Colin Powell, he calls
Donald Trump "a national disgrace." Trump was furious and said, "Hey, I'm an
international disgrace." 
The White House has announced that America will
accept 110,000 refugees next year. Meanwhile, Canada announced if Donald
Trump wins, they'll accept 110 million refugees. 
During a campaign rally yesterday, Donald Trump
said, "You think Hillary Clinton could stand up here for an hour?" Then he
debuted his new campaign slogan, "I Can Stand Up for an Hour." 
Ivanka Trump abruptly ended an interview with
Cosmopolitan magazine because she felt the questions were "unfair." Of
course it's understandable, most of us wither under the intense political
grilling of Cosmopolitan magazine. 
Ivanka Trump cut short an interview with Cosmo
because of what she said was all the "negativity." Which is weird because
all the interviewer said was, "So, your dad is Donald Trump, right?" 

 -- Conan 
If you think that a presidential candidate
appearing on "Dr. Oz" is ridiculous, later Donald stopped by the Maury
Povich show and found out that he is not the father. 
Tomorrow, Hillary Clinton is going to be cleared of
all email charges by Judge Judy. 
 -- James Corden 
It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She
has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system
turned against her. No surprise -- all the white blood cells are voting for
Trump. 
Most damaging of all may have been a remark she
made at a fundraiser on Friday when describing Trump's voters as a "basket
of deplorables." Wow. Hillary should put her insults in "the hamper of
awkwardness." 
 -- Steven Colbert 
I don't know if you saw this but some interesting
photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. There he is
[shows photo] at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former
President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. How perfect is
this photograph? Look at those two bitter enemies sizing each other up. It
looks like the first three minutes of a "Girls Gone Wild" video. It
represents the United States at its peak. Before 9/11, before ISIS, before
"Celebrity Apprentice" -- just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple
of swimsuit models. 
This is probably why Trump hates Hillary. She
ruined this for them. She took his wing man away. 
 -- Jimmy Kimmel

a***@gmail.com

2016-09-19 12:12:54 UTC

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C &
L: 
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/V6X1ASS.jpg"> 
In Case You Missed It Dept.: 
NBC News interviewed professional clowns at a clown
convention in Florida on Tuesday who worry about all the recent scary clown
sightings in Ohio, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. No one is able to get near
them. The clowns refuse to stop scaring people till one of them gets elected
president. 
NBC Today Show host Matt Lauer was denounced by
Democrats for going so easy on Donald Trump during the NBC's
Commander-in-Chief town hall that Lauer hosted Wednesday. He really got
steamrolled. Matt Lauer put up so little resistance that Bill Cosby just
phoned him to have a drink. 
Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson in an MSNBC
interview Friday was asked by a reporter what the U.S. should do about
Aleppo. In reply, he asked, what is Aleppo? Gary Johnson is the country's
foremost champion for legalizing marijuana and he just set the cause back a
hundred years. 
Gary Johnson laughed about his geography screw-up
Thursday saying he thought Aleppo was an acronym when the reporter asked him
what he thought about Aleppo. It could have been worse. When Sarah Palin was
asked the same question, she replied that Aleppo is her favorite Marx
Brother. 
Hillary Clinton vowed to pass a Pathway to
Citizenship bill for illegal immigrants Friday while Trump was cozying up to
Putin. It's all politics. Hillary has to be nice to Hispanics or she'll lose
her votes out West and Donald Trump has to be nice to Putin or Putin will
cut off his supply of wives. 
Journal Parasitology named a parasitic flatworm
after Barack Obama as a compliment to the president. It's the first time a
parasite was named after a president. They waited to announce it until Rush
Limbaugh went off the air Friday to keep him from laughing so hard it gave
him a heart attack. 
Colin Kaepernick's refusal to stand for the
National Anthem was joined by other players this week. It's impossible for
NFL players to live outside today's issues. Rumor has it that Tom Brady
doesn't understand what the big deal is about Hillary Clinton destroying
cell-phones with a hammer. 
Hillary Clinton collapsed while waiting for a
Secret Service van to evacuate her from a World Trade Center attack
remembrance in New York Sunday. She's caught pneumonia. Hillary made the
mistake of slipping out into the general public on Friday and a Basket of
Deplorables breathed on her. 
Hillary Clinton's campaign admitted after a
nine-hour stall that she had pneumonia Sunday but would be fine after a rest
and antibiotics. Donald Trump was gracious. When Trump heard that Hillary
caught pneumonia he stopped by a gift shop and bought her a Get Well in Two
Months card. 
Hillary Clinton's campaign initially explained
she's overheated during a World Trade Center remembrance Sunday. She left
the event early. While waiting for the van to take her away, Hillary
collapsed and then fainted, which alarmed Democrats, concerned Republicans
and aroused Bill Cosby. 
Hillary Clinton's campaign staff was ripped Monday
for claiming she's healthy while she had walking pneumonia, on top of her
coughing fits, concussion, and blood clots. It's been like this for a
quarter century. Hillary Clinton can't even get old and sick without
requiring a Special Prosecutor. 
The New York Post interviewed TV executives Monday
who predicted that the first presidential debate between Trump and Hillary
could draw Super Bowl-size ratings. Debate negotiations are in the final
stages. Right now the candidates are fighting to make sure their gurneys are
the same height. 
Hillary Clinton spent Tuesday in bed at home taking
antibiotics for her pneumonia. Everyone pitched in to cheer her up. Bill
brought Hillary a bowl of chicken soup from her favorite deli, Barack sent
up a box of chocolates and Trump had a basket of deplorables delivered right
to her door. 
Politico ran photos of Hillary Clinton drinking
water to negate rumors she's not taking care of herself and staying hydrated
as she recovers from pneumonia. It's galling for her. Hillary's had a touchy
relationship with water ever since that young girl from Kansas used the
stuff to kill her sister. 
Hillary Clinton took antibiotics at home for her
pneumonia Tuesday after everyone witnessed the video of her passing out in
New York Sunday. She's dropped five points in the tracking polls. When
Hillary blamed the drop on the video, the House Benghazi Committee hauled
her back in to testify. 
Hillary Clinton's campaign conceded Monday they
should have divulged Hillary's pneumonia when they claimed for nine hours
Hillary just got overheated at the World Trade Center memorial event. Nobody
bought that story. We all know that Bill is the one who gets overheated and
bed-ridden. 
Donald Trump is scheduled to release his medical
records Thursday which were leaked earlier this week. It's a mixed bag. It
reads that Donald Trump's heart and his lung lungs are in great shape,
however his Narcissistic Personality Disorder cannot be treated, it can only
be voted into office. 
President Obama met with health care CEOs in
Washington Tuesday to urge them not to drop out of Obamacare coverage. It
doesn't look good. The White House asked Americans who like Obamacare to
send in their photo, and so far the only picture they've gotten is from
Anthony Weiner. 
TV Guide editors estimated Tuesday that the first
presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump could draw over
one hundred million TV viewers. The nation will be riveted by the format.
The first presidential debate will consist of a complete physical followed
by a colonoscopy. 
New York Assemblyman Bill Nojay won his Democratic
primary Tuesday even though he was under an FBI corruption probe and
committed suicide last week. This is far from over. Bill Nojay can still win
in November after Hillary Clinton's physician wrote a letter pronouncing him
fit to serve 
Hillary Clinton recovering in Chappaqua met with
her White House transition team. They are buying up Samsung Galaxy Note 7
smart phones. That way, after the next scandal and court order to hand over
her cell phone records, they can honestly claim she can't because the phones
exploded. 
Colin Powell ripped Hillary Clinton in hacked
e-mails Tuesday citing her mafia-like staff and her husband sleeping with
bimbos at home. He also called Donald Trump a national disgrace. Colin
Powell's political motto is, why run for president when you can start the
war and blame Bush? 
Donald Trump tried to lay aside any question about
his physical condition and personal health by appearing on the Dr. Oz Show
that taped on Wednesday. The show aired on Thursday. Millions of Democrats
tuned into the show see if Donald Trump would ask Dr. Oz for a heart, a
brain or courage. 
Hillary Clinton agreed Thursday to remove the
Clintons' name from the Clinton Health Care Initiative Foundation if
president. It wasn't her idea. The Clinton name will be removed from the
foundation at the request of Health, otherwise Health is threatening to sue
Hillary for false advertising. 
Donald Trump spoke at an African Methodist Church
in Flint Wednesday and vowed to clean the city's water supply. He also vowed
to bring jobs to the inner cities. Trump is trying to recover his street
cred after he stood for the National Anthem before the New York Jets opener
home Sunday. 
 -- Argus Hamilton 
Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made
about Trump supporters last week. So, if you're keeping track, Trump
supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable. 

Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to
everyone's surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she's sick and
even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started
asking Trump if he was feeling OK. 
I guess Trump really does want her to get better,
because today he sent her some flowers in a basket of deplorables. 

Donald Trump taped an appearance on "Dr. Oz" today
to discuss his health and his diet, and reportedly told Dr. Oz that he likes
fast food because, "At least you know what they're putting in it." Then
workers at Taco Bell and Arby's said, "You keep telling yourself that."
 
Donald Trump's childhood home in Queens is going up
for auction next month. Apparently, the house has five bedrooms, or as Trump
calls it, "20 walls." 
The upcoming movie about President Barack Obama's
college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes
and smoking weed. Or as the president calls him: 2017 Obama. 
We have Republican presidential nominee Donald
Trump on the show tonight, which means security is very tight. On their way
in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their
deplorables into a basket. 
Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue
of Women's Health magazine. While next month she'll be featured in "Bad
Timing" magazine. 
 -- Jimmy Fallon 
Donald Trump said this week that Vladimir Putin has
been a leader far more than our president has been a leader, and he's got a
point. I mean, if President Obama was as strong a leader as Vladimir Putin,
Donald Trump would be dead by now. That would be the difference. 
Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who will be
moderator for the final presidential debate of election season, said in an
interview this week that he doesn't feel it's his job to call out the
candidates when they lie. "Super!" said Hillary and Donald at the same time.
 
Hillary Clinton upset Republicans this weekend
after she accused half of Trump supporters of belonging to a basket of
deplorables, which is also Trump's usual order at KFC. "I will have the
12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy." 
Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial
service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, "Hey, if
anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka." 
Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia
diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn't think it was
going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure,
when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton? 
Hacked emails from former Secretary of State Colin
Powell show he recently referred to Donald Trump as "a national disgrace"
and "an international pariah." Trump was like, "Listen, I love Pariah. I
have all of her albums. So that's a compliment to me." 
 -- Seth Meyers 
Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary Clinton a
speedy recovery from her pneumonia. He said, "Get well soon, you shrill,
lying crook." 
Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary
Clinton is so sick that she's been using a body double. When Bill Clinton
heard about it, he said, "Man, I wish." 
A new poll shows that Donald Trump is now leading
in Nevada. Which actually makes sense, since 50 percent of Nevada voters are
also failed casino owners. 
In the leaked emails from Colin Powell, he calls
Donald Trump "a national disgrace." Trump was furious and said, "Hey, I'm an
international disgrace." 
The White House has announced that America will
accept 110,000 refugees next year. Meanwhile, Canada announced if Donald
Trump wins, they'll accept 110 million refugees. 
During a campaign rally yesterday, Donald Trump
said, "You think Hillary Clinton could stand up here for an hour?" Then he
debuted his new campaign slogan, "I Can Stand Up for an Hour." 
Ivanka Trump abruptly ended an interview with
Cosmopolitan magazine because she felt the questions were "unfair." Of
course it's understandable, most of us wither under the intense political
grilling of Cosmopolitan magazine. 
Ivanka Trump cut short an interview with Cosmo
because of what she said was all the "negativity." Which is weird because
all the interviewer said was, "So, your dad is Donald Trump, right?" 

 -- Conan 
If you think that a presidential candidate
appearing on "Dr. Oz" is ridiculous, later Donald stopped by the Maury
Povich show and found out that he is not the father. 
Tomorrow, Hillary Clinton is going to be cleared of
all email charges by Judge Judy. 
 -- James Corden 
It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She
has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system
turned against her. No surprise -- all the white blood cells are voting for
Trump. 
Most damaging of all may have been a remark she
made at a fundraiser on Friday when describing Trump's voters as a "basket
of deplorables." Wow. Hillary should put her insults in "the hamper of
awkwardness." 
 -- Steven Colbert 
I don't know if you saw this but some interesting
photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. There he is
[shows photo] at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former
President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. How perfect is
this photograph? Look at those two bitter enemies sizing each other up. It
looks like the first three minutes of a "Girls Gone Wild" video. It
represents the United States at its peak. Before 9/11, before ISIS, before
"Celebrity Apprentice" -- just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple
of swimsuit models. 
This is probably why Trump hates Hillary. She
ruined this for them. She took his wing man away. 
 -- Jimmy Kimmel

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http://www.newsmax.com/Politics/poll-Donald-Trump-Hillary-Clinton-election/2016/09/18/id/748877/#