5/20/13 Toons+

Jamie

2013-05-20 08:22:02 UTC

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
 
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In Case You Missed It Dept.: 
At a press conference, Nancy Pelosi blamed the
sequester for keeping her from visiting the troops on Mother's Day.
Ironically, the troops credit the sequester for the same reason. 
The National Weather Service is planning
sequester-related furloughs. That's not good, because Obama could really use
someone to tell him which way the wind is blowing. 
Kiefer Sutherland's anti-terrorist TV series "24"
will return to Fox this season. In the opening episode, Jack Bauer gets
audited. 
 -- Fred Thompson 
The U.S. Embassy in Tripoli was threatened by street
protests over Western presence Friday. The U.S. and Britain warned Libyan
street militias to keep away. The White House described the situation as
just an anti-Muslim video away from being our fault again. 
President Obama reportedly ordered Hillary Clinton to
clean up the Benghazi attack mess last fall. It was a direct order. The
first day and second day, he didn't see anything but on the third day the
swelling was down and he was able to see a little out of his left eye.
 
ABC News said the White House deleted references to a
terrorist attack in Benghazi last fall. It was changed to mob anger over an
anti-Muslim video. President Obama has been in Hollywood so many times that
his first reaction to a bad scene is to order a rewrite. 
The White House issued new embassy personnel
guidelines Friday. They guarantee rescue. From now on, every U.S. embassy
must include a gay basketball player, an illegal alien and a woman in need
of free contraception, and the Marines will be there in minutes. 
The White House tried to explain changes in the
Benghazi talking points Friday. The fog of war is their best defense. When
President Obama was told the U.S. consulate was under attack by Muslim
terrorists, he asked the next three groups if he could play through. 

The IRS apologized for targeting conservative groups
for agency scrutiny during last year's election. The tax collectors targeted
GOP groups and donors for audits. It left every comedian wondering if a
great joke on this subject is worth all the extra paperwork. 
Congress vowed to investigate the IRS after the
agency apologized for targeting GOP conservative political groups and their
big donors Friday. The White House can't escape by blaming this one on Bush.
This is the big leagues, they've got to blame this one on Nixon. 
White House reporters were evacuated Saturday when
the West Wing filled up with smoke. All is well now. It so happened that The
King of Kings was playing on Turner Classic Movies that day, allowing
President Obama to blame the fire on an anti-Muslim film. 
President Obama ripped reporters questioning his
administration's handling of the Benghazi attack. It's so simple. Benghazi
was a protest against a video nobody saw that turned into an attack nobody
acknowledged until it happened so long ago why bring it up? 
ABC News legend Barbara Walters disclosed Monday she
will retire next year. She's been a fixture on television for fifty years.
Washington D.C. immediately began buzzing with rumors as to who President
Obama will appoint to take her place as host of The View. 
Fox announced it has signed Kiefer Sutherland to
return as U.S. agent Jack Bauer next season in 24. Public pressure is
demanding the show. Americans are determined to see someone who'll fight
terrorism even if we have to pay him a million dollars an episode. 

The White House fire alarm sounded Saturday,
prompting reporters to evacuate the West Wing as smoke filled up the
offices. There's a simple explanation for the accident. President Obama
tried to put a hard drive through the shredder and it set the desk on fire.
 
President Obama was grilled as the IRS admitted
targeting Tea Partiers Monday. The same day the Justice Department secretly
seized reporters' phone records. It prompted a party at the Nixon Library
that night that was so loud the neighbors had to call the police 
The IRS apologized Friday for targeting Tea Party and
conservative groups for extra scrutiny during the election last year. Tea
Partiers were audited just for opposing the president. That's what they get
for being a bunch of nuts who don't trust the government. 
President Obama blamed America's partisan gridlock on
Rush Limbaugh Monday. It was a shrewd maneuver. The president could have
blamed it on Mitch McConnell or John Boehner but he didn't want to blame
anyone who is going to vote on his impeachment. 
The Surgeon General advised Americans who will
sunbathe on Memorial Day to use sunscreen on the beach or at the pool. She
said to stay covered. When the White House heard that the Surgeon General
was an expert on covering up, they put her in charge of the IRS. 
The White House released e-mails showing how their
Benghazi story evolved during the attack. There were no surprises. The
e-mails started as a CIA report about al-Qaeda attacks before they were
edited into a gold miner's analysis of Mitt Romney's colonoscopy. 

The White House issued an explanation on Benghazi
Wednesday that didn't answer who made up the anti-Muslim video story. It
never made sense. You'd think as much golf as President Obama has been
playing, he'd be able to tell a good lie from a bad lie by now. 
USA Today reported Wednesday that liberal groups got
a pass from the IRS as the IRS targeted GOP conservative groups. Hollywood
took note. It appears that Lindsay Lohan was going to jail for tax evasion
til she shrewdly changed her name to Obama for America. 
 -- Argus Hamilton 
President Obama was down in Texas on his
“Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour.” Don’t confuse that with his first
term. That was the "Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour." 

While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to
"Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi." 
I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke,
but I don't want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that. 
The IRS has admitted that they targeted conservative
groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so
bad — to keep the IRS off his back. 
The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this
could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up.
Believe me. You don't have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know
all about covering up. 
Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech
weapon: the IRS audit. 
I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today
about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, "Mistakes
were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan
motivation." Yeah, "Mistakes were made" — try saying THAT during your next
IRS audit. 
First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now
this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's
biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days? 

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate
hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the
administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they
used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are
gone forever. 
A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to
President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only
5 percent. 
This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They
apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know
it's bad when President Obama says, "Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?"
 
The National Aquarium in Washington is going to
close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell
something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from "Change you can
believe in" to "Changing the story until you believe it." 
This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans
have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with
Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let
the IRS take it down. 
President Obama announced the appointment of a new
acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they're
called "acting commissioner" because you have to act like the scandal
doesn't involve the White House. 
A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to
President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he's no longer being
compared to President Carter. 
It has not been a good week for President Obama.
You've got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of
all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what
that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS. 
 -- Leno 
There is a big novel out today. If you don't know, a
novel is like a blog except it is on paper and it's all stuff that's made
up. It's like CNN but it's written down. 
The IRS has a new boss after it came out they
unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is
not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. The
new guy is Bernie Madoff. 
 – Craig Ferguson 
President Obama's right in the middle of three
scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two.
And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals.
Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers
can really work with. 
People always say this to me: "Hey, Letterman," they
say. "Why don't you make jokes about Obama?" All right, I'll tell you why. I
don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone,
that's why. 
Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on
trouble in Benghazi — and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner. 

I was outside today for a little bit. I was sweating
like President Obama at a press conference. 
That last joke has been seized by the Department of
Justice. 
 – Letterman 
On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was
evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama
put it, “Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells
like Marlboro Lights." 
It was just revealed that the Department of Justice
secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama
promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by
the Department of Justice. 
President Obama is not having a good week. With three
scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst
weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?”
And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?” 
Eagles' offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a
picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building
with a caption that says, "Audit this!" Or as the IRS said, "OK, see you
tomorrow at noon." 
 – Jimmy Fallon 
President Obama has been going around the country to
rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of
sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama
said, “Uh — the 'Iron Man' sequel sector?” 
Since President Obama took office, the Democratic
Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate
seats. In his defense, Obama said, "Well, I did promise change." 
 – Conan 
----------------------------------------------

"Frankly, I don't know what it is about California,
but we seem to have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious women to high
office. I'm not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including
Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to
Washington, we're Number One. There's no getting around the fact that the
last time anyone saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, Maxine
Waters, and Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain
went up on 'Macbeth'. The four of them are like jackasses who happen to
possess the gift of blab. You don't know if you should condemn them for
their stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form words." 

 – Columnist Burt Prelutsky, Los Angeles Times